Breastfeeding woes

Hubbs and I were so committed to breastfeeding our boy. I was so excited to have the experience of providing nourishment to my son I had even literally dreamed about it. As soon as Ryan was born and they gave me a quiet moment with him to do skin to skin, I immediately tried to have him latch on. He nuzzled and looked super comfy but that's all. I had read and researched enough to know that that was ok. I was just trying to introduce him to the breast. I didn't expect him to actually feed that soon. It was lovely.

Once I was in the postpartum suite and they had finished doing all of their tests and whatnot and they brought him to my room, they had a nurse come in to help me get Ryan to latch. Over the next 2 days right up until we were discharged, we tried and tried to get Ryan to effectively breastfeed. I say we because it really did take a team of dedicated individuals including me, hubbs, lactation consultants and nurses over several shift changes.

According to the lactation consultants, they believed that Ryan was just too sleepy due to the epidural and Fentinel (sp?) meds that I was given for the labor. They assessed my nipples (good), production of colostrum (good - I was clearly able to hand express some each time we tried to latch him), Ryan's sucking reflex (good), positioning (good)...he was even able to latch effectively many times. Ryan was able to suck 2-3 times but then would do one of two things: he'd fall right to sleep (we tried undressing him and all of that) or he'd detach, throw his head back and scream his little head off.

I should say that while in the hospital, we did have about 3 decent breastfeeding sessions where he'd go 10-15 minutes without a problem. He was even clearly swallowing.

Unfortunately, even though Ryan had the right amount of poop and pee diapers, they were still concerned about his intake based on the amount of time he'd been able to feed. They mentioned a few times that they might need to supplement but they'd give me a chance to try yet again to get breastfeeding going.

Thinking back on it now, I feel bad about the times that we tried getting him to latch. It felt like we were forcing him over and over to do something he just did not want to do. It was an ordeal to say the least.

We were discharged on Wednesday 1/5 with the personal cell numbers of a couple of lactation consultants that's how much they wanted to help us. My nurse at that point gave us some formula samples just in case. We took them gratefully but had zero intention of actually using it.

We got home and I tried over and over to get Ryan to latch and feed. I started to feel even more overwhelmed, scared and stressed. I felt that I was starving my baby. We were so unhappy. That day...our first day at home...I about lost my mind.

I could not stop sobbing. It actually started in the hospital when the pediatrician came to do his checkup on Ryan before discharging him with us. He allowed us to come into the nursery with him to see the checkup. Everything was fine until he got to the testicles. Ryan had just the night before had his circumcision done (which I was already feeling guilty about) and here goes the pediatrician squeezing on his little balls making him cry. My eyes watered up and as soon as hubbs and I were in my room alone I started crying like an idiot. I did recognize how loony I sounded because I started laughing while I sobbed. Yeah...lol.

But getting home with Ryan, realizing we were alone, and trying (and failing at) breastfeeding was so stressful and overwhelming that I just could not hold it together. Hubbs' family came over that evening and I couldn't come out of my room to face them. I just wanted them all to leave. I wanted them to leave us alone. I wanted to do skin to skin in peace and attempt breastfeeding without them here listening to Ryan screaming. I begged hubbs to make them go away. I did come out of the room to say hello. My eyes were bloodshot and watery from crying so I know they knew something was up. I had a little soup that my mother-in-law brought for us but I felt like crying the entire time. I ended up going right back to my room to sob quietly some more. After a short while I decided I could cry freely in the shower so that's what I did. Hubbs came into the bathroom to check on me and found me sobbing in the shower...I was a sorry sight. He then had a word with his mom and as I was coming out of the bathroom, his family was getting their things together to go home. I felt bad but more than anything, I was so relieved.

I continued to cry even after they left. I cried like a baby...like I hadn't cried since I was a little girl. I sobbed into hubbs' arms and he attempted to comfort me. I felt so dependent on him in those moments...like he was going to save my life.

In the middle of the night, we tried breastfeeding again and again. And Ryan screamed and screamed. Hubbs and I decided to use the formula for the night feedings and reassess in the morning. So that's what we did. Ryan ate very well, finally. By the time the sun came up, I'd decided to stick to formula. I'd had it with feeling like I was trapped in a depressed state. I felt so much better about our decision. We were going to formula feed and that was that.

I have not looked back. I did start pumping a couple times per day and I give Ryan whatever I can of breast milk. At least I can say that he did get colostrum and breast milk. I still wish I could have done more but I had to think of my emotional health. I was unable to be there for my son while I was sobbing uncontrollably and now I can relax.

He's such a good boy. He eats, sleeps and poops just like they say. He doesn't cry much except when he's hungry. Actually, he squeaks a couple of times before he actually cries so we can usually avoid a full on cry. I am so in love with him. He is so perfect and awesome. It hurts to think about going back to work so I try not to think about it. My mother arrives from Florida tomorrow so I'm so excited about that. I just can't wait to see her and see her reaction to Ryan!!

That's all for now everyone. Thanks to those who are reading!